Sort of like that Robert Downey Junior quote from Tropic Thunder, I’m a chick playing a chick playing a chick in a dude’s magazine. It’s no secret that I’ve been a rain man type nerd when it comes to oysters for quite some time now. I was recently given the opportunity to write for GQ Magazine to talk about my oyster shucking experience and provide some tips for easy shucking that can almost guarantee you’ll have all of your fingers by the time you can say open sesame.
Bob McClure and his pickle empire, courtesy of McClure's Pickles
Check out this article that I wrote for one of the best food websites, Tasting Table on McClure’s Pickles, easily the best in the biz. A family based business in Detroit, they also have an outpost in Brooklyn. If you’ve procrastinated till the 11th hour for that perfect Christmas gift, head over to Williams Sonoma right now, where your prayers will be answered (McClure’s is sold there).
Sorry I’ve been ignoring you. Between thinking about dressing up as Richard Simmon’s for Halloween and writing like a fiend for someone else, I’ve been very busy.
Here are some things I’ve been working on. I haven’t been cheating on you, I promise.
After Katrina hit, one of the hundreds of fears that weighed heavy on my mind included the fate of soul satisfying establishments that were wiped out like grease to a rough sponge. Where would these great culinary Titans reside thereafter (if at all)? Thanks to the efforts of hardworking chefs, food writers and New Orleanians, one of these legends, the beloved Willy Mae’s Scotch House returned with blood, sweat, tears and grease.
Here’s a wonderful documentary created by Joe York and the Southern Foodways Alliance recounting the process of recovery for Willy Mae’s. Those red beans, that fried chicken, the white linen tablecloths are the fireflies safely kept in a mason jar in my mind, always smothered in gravy as thick as nostalgia.
At a random truck stop in New Mexico, I had a sneaking suspicion that Chuck Norris had something to do with this place. He definitely eats gizzards for breakfast and little dogs too. Below, “Punch hungry in the face” it should say, “me write good one day.”
I think the roundhouse kicking your ass part is what comes thereafter on the highway, 200 miles into ingesting fried gizzards with that corn dog and a bottle of Big Red-A battle more violent than a cage fight between Toby Keith and anyone who’s not from America.
Is it just me, or did Mr. T accidentally walk into a Scientology infomerical? Darla looks like the distant cousin of Tom Cruise. I bet you could beam that Flavor Wave up into the space ship that John Travolta and Katie Holmes will be driving. All I can say is, I probably won’t be eating those 11 year old frozen steaks that Darla’s serving. Would you?
As you may or may not know, I walked the plank over the last few days and plunged my lactose intolerant bod into a large vat of the 2009 American Cheese Society Convention.
Did I make it?
Let’s just say I’ve purchased stock in Pepto Bismol and Alka-Seltzer over the past 24 hours. They’ve been the cream to my coffee. The magic to Dione Warwick’s failed Psychic Friends Network hotline. The high-pitched shrill to Mariah Carey’s voice in the song, “Fantasy.”
There was a lot of cheese and a lot of Cheesemakers. Even Cheesemongers. It was the spinal tap of all cheese conventions. Here are a few of the air guitar shredding type of moments I experienced before what felt like Norwalk Virus (but was actually a serious bout of lactose intolerance) hit me an hour into the “Festival of Cheese” at the Hilton Ballroom in downtown Austin…
Cheddar Cheese
In 2009 alone, the state of Wisconsin made 27 billion dollars in profit from hustlin’ cheese production. Fo’ real.
Chevre
Chevre is one of my favorite mild cheeses. Perhaps it is because it does not serve me with a side of asthma or a Pepto Bismol smoothie upon consumption . When fresh, there’s nothing like it, and the photos displayed above are just a few examples of the vibrant selections that were available on Saturday evening. The four types (starting from the top) are fresh Italian chevre, “Chevrelait,” Lavendar chevre, crafted by Cheesemaker Paul Mitchell of Heartland Creamery in Neward, Missouri, and a delicate “Rivers Edge chevre summer crottin,” created by Cheesemaker Patricia Morford of Three Ring Farm in Logsden, Oregon. Out of the four displayed, the Rivers Edge summer crottin was a show stopper, as the fresh, clean and intricate flavor of the young chevre was carefully encased by an array of fresh Oregon flora and fauna, which included fresh sage, rosemary, and edible flowers. Perhaps that description needs some wind chimes in the background, but truthfully, it’s a cheese that cherubs might feast upon. Or your Aunt Ida, who thinks it’s a potpourri disk for her dresser drawers…
Stanky Cheese and other aromas…
Sauntering past these two tables was like strapping raw meat to my body at a Siegfried & Roy show. Needless to say, they were breathtaking. No seriously, I developed asthma. The bleu cheese picture above (adorned with a shiny blue ribbon) won best in show, as the American Cheese Society deemed Rogue Creamery’s bleu cheese unbeatable.
One of the great highlights of the weekend was the honor of meeting Master Cheesemaker, Bruce Workman, of Edelweiss Creamery in Monticello, Wisconsin. Most known for his delicate but incredibly flavorful Emmentaler (old world Swiss), Mr. Workman uses raw milk and a copper vat (brought straight from the old country) to develop the distinctive, highly addictive Emmentaler. In 2003, he purchased a run down cheese factory, spending 6 months transforming it into the state of the art cheese factory that opened in early 2004. Churning out multiple types of award winning cheeses, (which includes an entire grass-based line of natural cheeses), Mr. Workman is the Master Cheesemaker I regard as the Yoda of all Cheesemakers: a perfect balance of craft and passion, one wheel at a time, year after year.
Simply put, go out and buy his cheese here. It will blow your mind.
If you feel you’re in consumption overload from reading this article, ease your mind and your stomach with this little ditty:
If that doesn’t work, grab a bottle of Ipecac and some rosary beads, cause’ you’se in for a night of pain. And it ain’t Mr. T that’s gonna bring it to ya.
Doesn’t this sound delicious when warm? There truly is nothing more refreshing than a carbonated prune juice based soda like Dr. Pooper, I mean Pepper.
Sorry I’ve been ignoring you. Between thinking about dressing up as 
I think the roundhouse kicking your ass part is what comes thereafter on the highway, 200 miles into ingesting fried gizzards with that corn dog and a bottle of Big Red-A battle more violent than a cage fight between 
As you may or may not know, I walked the plank over the last few days and plunged my lactose intolerant bod into a large vat of the 
